My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children