When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
You Might Also Like
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Them: Just act casual
Me:
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Merica.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
What?!?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles