2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
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When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.