whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
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verbiage sounds like something youāre not getting enough of in your diet
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: Iām sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
The 5th dentist couldnāt answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. š”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and āMom will help!ā so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[first day as doctor]
me: you havenāt been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, hereās a dozen cupcakes.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.