Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
You Might Also Like
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out