Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo