I have many caverns
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Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
6. me as a lawyer
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*