THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
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“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Before & after 😅
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.