If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
You Might Also Like
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
If a snake ate a cake
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Google assistant rules
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time