Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
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Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs