When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“i miss shittin on people”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?