Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Pandas 🐼🖤
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when