Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I want what they have
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again