M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
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My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
If looks could kill
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)