My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.