[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
How dude HOW?!
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
#CatsOnTwitter
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.