Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
is this store having a stroke wtf
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.