0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
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Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.