Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
You Might Also Like
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.