someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
When a shoelace touches your ankle
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold