My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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Me: Same.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline