[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
You Might Also Like
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.