[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
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If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
uh oh
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore