“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
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me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW