I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753