Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
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I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.