Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
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If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
work smarter, not harder
My love language is hissing.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up