Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”