whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
You Might Also Like
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
This trial is so absurd 😭
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Childbirth is so beautiful
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…