5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.