Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
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That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…