me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on