Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
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me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
me when I see my crush
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out