[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.