True?
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🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
i will not be silenced
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you