It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
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The smoothest fall of all time
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.