Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
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No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.