Leaving the Barbers like
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No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Breaking news:
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.