Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy