Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
They got a point!
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot