The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
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Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
This is amazing.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.