Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
🙄😏😂🤣
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer