Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field