DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
File under excellent bookstore names.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class