me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
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My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.