Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“What?”
– Jude