I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
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Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.