The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
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911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.