“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
You Might Also Like
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Software Development ⛵️
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.