I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.